Having Hope

My summer started with a lull and then quickly picked up speed. I had the wonderful opportunity to perform with my friends at the Kennedy Center in DC, I attended several classes with, and auditioned for an amazing company in Atlanta, I worked with yet another amazing Atlanta company on a work that will debut soon, and I spent about a month back in South Carolina working with friends and young dancers. Since coming home again the whirlwind continued with a weekend spent at a workshop, where I spent 2 full days moving and exploring with fellow dancers. It was an absolutely astonishing experience, and left my heart feeling so full.

But since the weekend has passed, I’ve found myself back in a lull. Where I have WAY too much time to think. And overthink. There’s work to be done. Opportunities to search for and go after. There’s also waiting to be done. Waiting patiently for news and always considering my options. Even when I’m not quite sure what those options are.

I won’t lie. I’m exhausted from all the craziness I’ve mentioned before – graduating, moving, and the ongoing audition process (it never ends). And in the quest to be realistic and responsible, it can be so hard not to lose hope. I knew that entering the art/dance world would not be easy. I’ve known that for a long time. But I think I underestimated how it could potentially affect me. I have prided myself on having a good work ethic, on being a hard worker, and even though it may seem like I could fall apart, on holding it together and being resilient. But what I’d forgotten was so important was hope and belief. It is imperative to hold onto the hope that something good will happen. I wouldn’t encourage only having hope – it is still important to take action and work hard – but without hope, you can’t take chances. And without hope, you’ll feel miserable all the time. And I know so, because I often feel spots of it. Some days I believe that some way, some how, I’m going to make my dreams come true. I have hope. And other days, I can’t tell. I can’t tell what I want to do, how I’m going to do it. I feel hopeless. And I won’t lie, it’s a pretty scary feeling. It’s hard to feel hopeful when you get more “no’s” than “yes’s”. It’s hard to feel hopeful when you feel lost, while everyone else seems to know what to do. And in today’s crazy, sometimes messed up world, it’s hard to be hopeful when reality can be so chilling.

But even at my worst moments, on my worst days, I try to salvage some hope. Even if it is the most general kind. I try to find hope in myself. I mean, I’ve made it this far, and if I keep searching, working, and trying, I can make something happen? Right?

Let’s be hopeful.